Choose one single focus for development. Don’t split your energy between two bulky topics.
| Original Thesis | Revised Thesis | |
| Queen Victoria set the tone of the British Empire, and she allowed powerful prime ministers to take political control of Britain. | Victoria set the tone for later monarchs by ruling through a series of prime ministers. | |
| The United Nations Organization has major weaknesses and cannot prevent a major war. | The organization of the UN makes it incapable of preventing a war between major powers. | |
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Check the Thesis: Are there two large
statements connected loosely by a coordinate conjunction (and, but, or, for,
nor, so, yet)? Would a subordinate conjunction
help (through, although, because, since) to signal a relationship between
the two sentences, or do the two imply a fuzzy unfocused thesis? If so, settle on ONE focus and proceed with further
development
IS THE THESIS STATEMENT RESTRICTED?
1.) Your thesis statement should provide a restricted or limited focus for your essay. Narrow the field of your discussion to a specific line of reasoning/argumentation within a broad topic area.
2.) Your thesis should be limited to what can be accomplished in the specified number of pages. Shape your topic so that you can get straight to the “meat” of it – don’t settle for three pages of merely skimming the surface.
3.) The opposite of a focused, narrow, crisp thesis
is a broad, sprawling, superficial thesis. Compare
this original thesis with three possible revisions:
Today’s slasher movies fail to deliver the
emotional catharsis that 1930s horror films did.
IS THE THESIS STATEMENT ANALYTIC?
The thesis statement should do more than merely
announce the topic; it must reveal what position you will take in relation
to that topic, how you plan to analyze/evaluate the subject or the issue. In short, instead of merely stating a general fact
or resorting to simplistic pro/con statements, you must decide
what it is you have to say.
1.) Avoid making universal or pro/con judgments that oversimplify complex issues.
Original: We
must save the whales.
Revised:
Because our planet’s health may depend upon biological diversity, we
should save the whales.
2.) When you make a (subjective) judgment call, specify and justify your reasoning.
Original: Socialism
is the best form of government for Kenya.
Revised:
If the government takes over industry in Kenya, the industry will become
more efficient.
3.) Avoid merely reporting a fact. Go further with your ideas – say more.
Original: Hoover’s
administration was rocked by scandal.
Revised:
The many scandals of Hoover’s administration revealed basic problems
with the Republican Party’s nominating process.
4.) Note that arriving at an analytical thesis doesn’t happen magically. Continue to revise your essay and ideas will develop.
b.
Characters in Geoffrey Chaucer’s The Miller’s Tale subvert
certain audience expectations.
c. In Geoffrey Chaucer’s The Miller’s Tale, the sexual behaviors of such characters as Alison, Nicholas, and Absolon subvert audience expectations raised by the courtly love tradition in The Knight’s Tale.
IS THE THESIS STATEMENT CLEAR?
- Avoid vague words such as “interesting,” “negative,” “exciting,” “unusual,” and “difficult.” Avoid abstract words such as “society.” These words tell the reader next to nothing.
- Check to see if you need to define your terms (“socialism,” “conventional,” “commercialism,” “society”), and then decide the most suitable place to do so.
IS YOUR THESIS STATEMENT ORIGINAL AND ENERGETIC?
1.) AVOID generic arguments and formula statements. They work well to get a rough draft started, but will easily bore a reader. Keep revising until the thesis reflects your real ideas.
2.) Avoid
formula and generic words. Search for concrete
subjects and active verbs, revising as many “to be” verbs as possible. A few suggestions below show how specific word
choice sharpens and clarifies your meaning.
“Society is . . .” [who
is this society and what exactly are they doing?]