OLD MISTRESSES APOLOGUE[1]
June 25,
1745
My dear Friend,[2]
I
know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you
mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is
the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of
But
if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the
Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should
prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my
Reasons. They are these:
1. Because as they have more Knowledge of
the World and their Minds are better stored with Observations, their
Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.
2.
Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain
their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an
Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do Services small and great and are the
most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue
amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who
is not a good Woman.
3.
Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produced may be
attended with much Inconvenience.
4.
Because through more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in
conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is they are
safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair
should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclined to
excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners
by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among
mercenary Prostitutes.
5.
Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that
fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank
and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing
to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket and
regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know
an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of
corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently
superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.
6.
Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and may lead
to a Life unhappy.
7.
Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may
give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an
old Woman happy.
8
Eighthly and Lastly, They are so grateful!!
Thus much for my
Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly, being sincerely Your
affectionate Friend.
[1] Apologue as defined by Wikipedia:
“An apologue (from the Greek:
απολογος, a statement or account) is a
brief fable or allegorical story with pointed or exaggerated details, meant to
serve as a pleasant vehicle for some moral doctrine or to convey some useful
lesson without explicitly stating it. Unlike a fable, the moral is more
important than the narrative details. Like the parable, the apologue is a tool
of rhetorical argument introduced in order to convince or persuade.”
[2] Judged “too indecent to print,”
this essay in the form of a letter was unknown to the general public until well
into the twentieth century. No nineteenth-century editor or biographer of
Franklin dared to publish it although private printings, usually entitled “Advice
to a Young Man on the choice of a Mistress,” brought the essay a wide
underground popularity as “the wittiest essay” Franklin ever wrote. The
addressee is unknown, and it is likely that