(Just one piece, after all)

Claudia Alexander

Group

Welcome everyone…

Ms. ___ are you ready to share with us today?

I suppose.

Well, I’d rather you be sure. You are here because of an incident and I want you to be as comfortable as possible as you open up. I’m here to talk with you and everyone else in group about the why’s behind these incidents, so that we can gain understanding and eventually find closure.

I already have fucking closure.

You sounded angry when you say that, so I don’t believe you. How did you gain this so called closure? By talking to him as if he can hear you? He can’t hear you talking to walls.

Shut up!

Calm down you two. Now, talking to a person who isn’t here is sometimes an exercise that can bring better understanding and get rid of frustrations. Ms. ___  if you could say one thing to him, what would you say?

Well… I’d say something like… You're dead to me Jackson.  

Ok. That’s a good start; explore that thought a little more.

You’re dead to me and I ain't sorry about it, cause I chose you, so in a way it was my fault you broke off a piece of my heart and stomped on it. As my momma would say, I brought you into my world and the choice to take you out, is mine. And now you’re gone. Maybe it was on a whim that I liked to you, cause of your smile and your conversation and because I was lonely. But I can’t help that now, cause I killed my love for you, and now I’m empty.

But you didn't just take him out your world, you murrrr-derrrred him. You stabbed dozens of pretty holes in his chest and he bled red out on his sofa. The one he just bought at the thrift shop to match his new rug.  It was a pretty sofa. Bled red, bled red, that rhymes.

 You didn’t have a right to kill him, you could have just lost his number.

It's my right cause he made me love him.

Whatever. You don't even feel bad about what you did.

I do too. I feel really sorry for his momma. He's an only child and she's taking care of his dog in California. She was real worried about him during the tornadoes. He teased me about ignoring him when he could've died with all that glass flying around, but his momma called a lot. I felt so guilty about not calling, not paying half the attention she did on the other side of the country. She must have loved him. I couldn't imagine how I'd feel if my only baby died before I did. I'm sorry I hurt her. Wouldn't wish that on any mother.

 

So you feel his death was the only way to get rid of these emotions? Your legal defense claimed you killed him in a moment of “passionate fury” because he broke your heart.

He said this wasn’t going to work. Said I was suffocating him. After he MADE me love him.  All I had left was the option of “friends”.  Didn’t need no more damn friends. I couldn’t take it you know, the rejection? I got angry.

You are always angry. Angry Angry. Angry… hurt and angry. 

 

And you’re always Happy about things. Fucking Pollyanna tomorrow will bring eternal sunshine crap. You wouldn’t know anger if it bit you in the v-jay jay… Any now you’re fucking crying again you psycho! Will you shut the hell up PLEASE!

That was mean and unnecessary; she can’t help how she is.

Yeah well she’s always got something to say. Then she can’t handle the backlash.

Ladies, You know the rules and Ms. ___, no one in here has a right to pass judgment on anyone else. No name calling, ok everyone?

Whatever.

Sure. I wasn’t the one behaving unmannerly.

I wasn’t being UN-Mannerly, I’m PERFECT. I’m always right but I never do anything important to make a difference. Fucking hypocrite.

Sniff. I’m ok guys. Please don’t get mad at her. I’m sure I was provoking in some manner. I’ll try better to not make her angry angry angry with me.

 GIRLS, back to the matter we where discussing. We were exploring your feelings Ms. ___.  Are you saying that the only reason you admit to remorse is because you feel sorry for the victim's mother?

Well no, I feel sorry for his daughter too. I never had a good father figure, and my daughter doesn't have a daddy either, so I'm really regretting taking a responsible father away from his little girl. They were gonna spend time in the summer together, he wanted me to teach him how to braid hair. She would've loved Six Flags you know? I liked him so much for being there for her when he didn't have to. You couldn't help but love him a little for that.  And now she won’t get to go ride roller costers at all. I'm sorry I hurt her. Wouldn't wish that on any child.

You claimed to have loved the victim. Such intense feelings shouldn't dissipate so quickly after a rage of such intensity Ms. ___."

Yeah cause he MADE me love him. He was selfish, even admitted it, always felt what he wanted mattered more than what I wanted.

"You just admitted to causing a mother and a child to loose a loved one. You selfishly took away a person that meant so much to so many people because you felt slighted."

All she’s gonna say is that he MADE her love him.

But if you were in love, truly in love, you would have fought to keep his attention, you would have tried to keep him, schemed to trap him, at least you would have thought about the others in his life. All you did was burn bridges and get yourself stuck in these damn group sessions.

What do you know about it Professor? You never came behind a book long enough to get somebody to look at you. I’m straightforward. I don’t play games. If you wanted to play fucking Monopoly with him you should have rolled the dice.  

The turmoil you have caused because of your so called passionate “love” was avoidable. You only knew him for three weeks! I was there when you met him. He never claimed to have loved you, he didn't betray you, or physically harm you, there were no plans or commitments made as of yet. Love isn't a plausible excuse for taking a life. You killed him just because he didn't want you in his future. His choice to break it off, to deny you something you wanted is the real reason for your killing him.

 

Bitch.

Ms. ___! Remember, no name calling. Now, why don’t you answer her question?

I don't like rejection. Who does? I'm just tired of all the bull-shit you know? And I told him. I warned him I wanted more, and he was all hands and mouth and kisses, talking about how he really liked me and wanted me to give in to the orgasm, he was urging me to think of him as a husband, until I really did start seeing him that way. Then he pushed me away, told me I wasn't going to have a chance with him beyond friendship. Said it would be easier to cut it off now before I got more attached.

I went out on his balcony and thought about how easy it would be just to fling myself off; end it all cause I was tired of the bull and the pain and the fucking rejection. Cause I really liked him and thought he was different and was fucking wonderful.

Who wants to go through this again and again? Be told “you ain't worth fighting for”, told that a possible future with you ain't happening, cause you scared and you don't wanna change your lifestyle. You expect love at first sight, some magical beautiful woman, perfect for you, a fairy tale princess in the real world. You say there'd be no doubts that she was "the one". Just you ain't her.

 

Damn Straight!

Look Professor, Cry-baby agrees with me.  High–Five Baby.
 

So you were upset because he told you that you weren’t the “one”?

I dunno. I guess I can respect him cause he told me point blank. I can respect the communication. He was a pussy trying to avoid “hurting me”, but he told me, even though he was contradicting himself from what he told me earlier. We have almost all his voice mails. You know that?

No. I didn’t know that.

Yeah, I listened to his voice afterwards. I sat down and cried after I saw what she did.  While his blood stained my pretty new skirt. Red, bled on my new skirt.  Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of denim?

No. I don't go around stabbing people with their own kitchen knives. So I have no idea about the blood. Something with an oxidant agent should do it I guess.  I’m sure the stains are an inconvenience by now, you should just throw it away. I never liked that skirt anyway, it was too short.

I’m curious Ms. ___, you’ve fantasized about death since your were young. If you were thinking about killing yourself, why didn't you?

Yeah why didn’t you  just take a dive off the fifth floor and end it all? Would kept us out of this psycho ward, and I’m not crazy like the rest of you.

Did I ask you Professor?

Well. I thought, this is my fault for putting myself in that situation. I should've been more careful, shouldn't have cared so much. Would've been stupid to jump when I never meant to fall for him in the first place. Would have put too much importance on him. Would've made everybody think I'm weak, that I can't handle being near thirty and not being married, not being in love and happy like I thought I would be by now. I' m alive now cause I'm stronger than all those fucking abusive hands and those dirty thoughts and the roaming fingers out there.

He didn't know she had a problem with saying no. I have a backbone now, one that she didn't have before our daughter was born. She’s been having suicidal thoughts since she was seven, and since she hasn’t succeeded in offing us, I wasn’t going to be the pussy to give in, I respect life. I won't let anyone off me now because of her.

 If you respected the sanctity of life, why did you kill Mr. Jackson?  Is that a good example for your daughter?

No. But it's better than killing yourself. I don't want to go to hell. God makes it clear he can forgive anything but you taking your own life.

I’m glad you didn’t try to die. Glad you didn’t try to fly. Cause we can’t fly without some wings, so all would die, die, die…

Don’t sing.

Tell me, how did you feel now that we’ve talked about it a little? Do you think you could tell us more an what made you do it?

I didn't know I loved him, not even a little, until it hurt so much. I had to cut him off, make him hurt too as he laid there with his red-smoked eyes and that set face, waiting for me to leave cause he made the decision it wouldn't work. I was willing to try, but he said I was suffocating him.

 

I remember you said that already. Can’t you make a linear argument without going off on a tangent?

Can’t you talk without sounding like a fuckin ass with a stick poked up it? She was asking me. This Group session is about me. God!

At that point I wanted a pillow, but he's bigger, never would have been able to hold it over his face. I wasn't thinking about the knife till it was in my hands. It had been in the sink earlier, and he wasn't paying attention to me anymore, like I didn't exist. He was just laying there watching Tolkien and Hobbits like I didn't matter any more. Like the warm voice and the soft touches and the adoring smiles didn't matter. Like my gift of openness didn't matter. I was giving HIM the chance to get to know ME. I didn't ask for the physical and mental closeness while being with him. He was so different and yet so right that I felt he was perfect for me. The first possible perfect...

I was so sorry I couldn't take it slow, that I was so stupid to be so hurt over some bull-shit, and I he didn't seem to care so stabbed him. I stabbed him cause he wasn't crying and it didn't seem hard to dismiss me from mind. He yelled, pushed me and tried to get up as I stumbled back. The blood was running slow, then started to come faster, more like a shallow waterfall down his chest and shirt than the spurts I'd seen in horror flicks.

I don’t like scary movies. They make me sad, bad, sad, bad….

Yeah well. I was horrified even as the rage pushed me. I sank the blade in his flesh again because he looked shocked, like he didn't understand that patting me on the leg and saying "you'll get over it" wasn't comfort.

See, until then, I don't think he understood how intensely I felt.  That I cared enough to stab him. Again and again and again. I said I was sorry as he stared at me, his gasps and the wheezing gurgling from his chest told me I'd pierced a lung. I would never hear his laugh again, his stupid silly sarcastic laugh. His braces were coating in blood. It was dark, so dark it could have been chocolate thick on his teeth. He loved sweets you know, and we were supposed to get cake before he broke up with me. I don't like cake much and I definitely don't like chocolate cake. Thing is I would've eaten chocolate for him... and he called me selfish.

Are you finished?

Yeah.

Great, cause I need to get back to my book.