Elizabeth Wood

Dr. Margaret Mitchell

ENGL 3200-1HW

October 6, 2008

                                               Herding Kittens

     The high pitched squealing of my alarm woke me from the strangest dream. There were whispering voices echoing all around me, saying things I could barely hear.

“We need . . . need . . .”

“. . .  she sensitive?”

     In the dream I kept whirling around, trying to see who was speaking, but it was dark and indistinct wherever I was and I could never see who was talking.

     When the alarm went off I sat straight up in bed, my heart was beating so fast I could barely catch my breath. At the end of the bed my new kittens were sitting, Sphinx style, side by side, staring at me with their intense green eyes.

     I don’t know what made me take them in. When I got home two days ago they were just there, sitting on the porch of my brownstone. It was a striking scene, one I felt an intense need to capture. Two tiny kittens, one solid white, the other completely black, facing each other in that same Sphinx pose they were in now, almost as if they were involved in an intense conversation. The backdrop was my bright red front door, with a blue and white ceramic planter overflowing with green on one side. The image was too striking to let pass, and my camera was out almost before I considered it. They didn’t even look at me as I was taking the pictures, but instead held the pose, perhaps finishing their conversation.

     When I opened the door, they got up and walked in with me. It seemed they had decided this would be home, and for the life of me I could not come up with any objections. They followed me into the kitchen and looked at me expectantly as I put down my bags.

     “Well guys, I don’t have any cat food, I guess I’ll have to go to the store later. In the meantime let’s see what I have that’ll do.”

     I rummaged around in the cabinet until I came up with a can of tuna. They sat perfectly still looking at me until I opened it and placed it on a plate for them. After they gobbled it down, they both rubbed against my legs in thanks, purring, and followed me into the living room.

     “Liked that did ya? All right, I guess if you’re going to be staying here I should call you something.”

     I picked up the black one first and began a brief examination, a process that was accepted with only nominal protest, a light batting from the soft little paws.

     “A boy, huh, all right you can be Rasputin.”

      When I reached for the white one, it rolled over, exposing its tummy and purring loudly.

     “Playing the cute card, huh? Well, I still need to see. Aha, a little girl. Okay, you can be Morgana, a couple of little spell casters, aren’t ya?”

      They had settled in quite nicely, and it was strangely comforting to see them there at the end of my bed after the odd and unsettling dream. I threw off my blankets, got up and shuffled off to the bathroom to see if I could wash away the strange sense of dread left behind by the dream. In the shower, as the hot water sluiced over my body, relaxing the tension in my neck and back, my mind kept turning back to the dream. What were those voices talking about? Bananas. Why do I keep feeling like I need bananas? I don’t even really like bananas. Maybe I’m going bananas.

     After the shower I headed for the kitchen to find something to eat, Rasputin and Morgana on my heels. They waited patiently while I opened them a can and then dug in.

     ‘S good

      Nice lady

     Geeze, maybe I am going a little crazy, now I’m pretending the cats can talk. It might have been funny if it hadn’t been for the dream; instead it was a little morbid. I rummaged around in the cabinet and refrigerator to see what I could have for breakfast, and settled on granola and yogurt. While I sat at the table and ate I thought about what I needed to do that day. I needed to go through the photos I had taken and choose the ones to send to my editor. Other than that I had a mostly free day today. I can run a few errands and go by the store.

     Yes, go to the store.

      Get bananas

     I looked down and there they were, just staring at me intently. This is getting a little weird. Maybe I’ve been working too hard. Maybe I should just go back to bed for a little while. That dream must have left me sleep deprived. Instead I headed upstairs to my office and turned on the computer. I uploaded the photos I had taken and began to go through them, hoping the work would take my mind off the strangeness of the day. I spent the next hour choosing which pictures might work best for the magazine, and moving them to a separate folder. After I had all of the ones I wanted I moved the folder to my external hard drive for easy transport and went back downstairs. The kittens were sitting in the front window looking outside as I got my purse and keys and headed for the door. Maybe I should walk part of the way before getting the bus. The exercise might clear my head. I opened the door to head outside, and was overwhelmed as a dozen or so kittens streamed into my house.

     “Oh my God, what the hell is going on here??”

      There were kittens everywhere in a variety of colors. They were milling around my feet and the furniture. Weirder and weirder. I started trying to gather them up and herd them back out the door. They scattered in different directions. It was like chasing shadows, Just when I thought I had one or two near the door, they’d melt off in another direction and I was herding nothing. To make things worse I started hearing voices again.

     Stop, lady.

    We need your help.

    You have to get the bananas.

    “Out! Out! Out! Two kittens is one thing, but this is ridiculous. And you are NOT talking to me!”

     I ran towards a group of kittens and they scattered, except for one that ran right at my feet, tripping me. I hit the ground hard and started to cry.

     “Oh my God, Oh my God, I really am losing my mind.”

    I rocked back and forth on my foyer floor, weeping. I’ve lost it, maybe I’m still dreaming. Cats don’t talk, not even in your head. I’ve got to get a grip. I looked up and they were all just sitting there staring at me. We sat like that, staring at each other for a long time. Rasputin moved up out of the crowd and put a soft black paw on my knee. I could have sworn it was sympathy and concern in his eyes. My mind was completely blank. I couldn’t seem to take this in. I’m surrounded by kittens and I’m hearing voices.

     Not voices, lady, you’re hearing us.

     “No, I’m not, cats don’t talk.”

     We do talk, and we need your help.

    “What do you want from me, besides driving me insane? Which, by the way, you’re succeeding at quite beautifully.”

     We aren’t trying to drive you insane; we just need someone to help us. We could hear you, that’s why we chose you. If we could hear you, you could hear us.

     “What do you need help with?”

      We need bananas, about 20 pounds of them.

     “What in the world could you possibly need with bananas?”

     When they’re concentrated they make great fuel.

     “Fuel! Oh geeze, this just gets stranger by the minute. Fuel for what?”

     For our ship. We want to go home.

     “Ooookay. And if I get these bananas, you’ll all go away and leave me alone, right?”

     After you give us a ride to our ship with the bananas. We can’t exactly carry them ourselves.

     I heaved myself up off the floor in resignation.

     “All right, I’ll get your bananas and give you all a ride. But then you have to leave me alone.”

     I can’t believe I’m going along with this, buying bananas for cats that speak in my head.

    “Wait here while I go to the store.”

    Okay, lady, I knew you were the right one.

     “Lucky me.”

     I gathered up my purse and keys and headed out the door. I climbed in my car and headed for the nearest grocery store. When I got to the register with a buggy full of nothing but bananas the girl behind the register gave me the oddest look.

     “Don’t ask me any questions and I won’t tell you any lies.”

      I laughed, a little hysterically, which didn’t make her any friendlier. After I got the bananas loaded into my trunk I headed back to the house to collect the kittens, trying not to think about what I was doing too hard. Back at my house I expected to find the kind of mayhem you would expect from 14 kittens being left alone for an hour or so. I guess I really shouldn’t have been surprised to find them all waiting patiently in a group by the door. There was definitely nothing usual about this group.

     “All right guys, let’s go. The bananas are in the trunk. You’ll have to tell me where we’re going.”

     We’re just outside of the city, in the woods. I’ll tell you which way to go as you drive.

    With that they marched in a double line out to my car and climbed in. They made themselves comfortable in the back, except for Rasputin who sat up front to give me directions. An hour and a half later we were turning off the road onto a wide dirt trail in the woods. Another twenty minutes of slow driving on this trail and Rasputin said we were there.

     Stop here; it’s just behind the trees there.

     “I don’t see anything.”

     Give me just a minute.

     Rasputin hopped out and went into a clearing just behind the trees. He put his paw up and seemed to rest it on thin air. The air shimmered and an honest to God U.F.O. appeared, about twice the size of my car and saucer shaped just like in the fuzzy pictures.

     I started to feel a little nervous again.

     “Hey you guys don’t do that probing thing do you? I’d really rather not be subjected to something like that.”

     Heh, don’t be silly that’s just a myth.

      “Oh yeah, and I guess I’m supposed to know that in the company of alien kittens who use bananas to run their spaceship.”

     I see your point. Don’t worry. Even if we did stuff like that we wouldn’t be so ungrateful to someone who has been helping us. Bring the bananas over here, so we can get them concentrated.

     I unloaded the bananas and put them on the ground near the door of the ship.

     Stand back.

     Rasputin went into the spaceship while the rest of the kittens and I watched from the other side of the trees. There was an intense light and when I could see again there were a stack of small clear yellow bricks, almost like bars of soap, where the bananas used to be. The kittens streamed forward in a liquid mass and each took a bar in their mouths and carried them into the ship. Rasputin came back outside and I crouched down to see him.

     Thank you, lady. We can go home now.

     “You’re welcome. I’ll kind of miss having you around. Is there any chance you might come back this way sometime?”

    Maybe, you never know.

     He placed his paw momentarily on my knee and then turned and headed back into the ship. I stood and watched as the ship’s door closed and it lifted silently up above the trees. As soon as it cleared the tree line there was an odd noise, like rapid whale song, and the ship shot off into the sky and disappeared. Alone and a little sad, I climbed back into my car for the long drive home.

     Postscript: This story is based on a real incident in my life. No, I’m not crazy, there were no real alien kittens or spaceships involved. When my oldest son was a baby we had a pair of kittens like the ones in the story, one white and one black. They were very cute, and they would often sit together looking at one another and moving their heads up and down, for long periods of time. Almost as if they were conversing. A friend of my husband’s was over one day and was observing this behavior. He began to make up a conversation between the kittens, using slightly different voices for each one. It went something like this:

     “Tonight’s the night.”

      “The stupid people, they suspect nothing.”

      “We’ll kill them in their sleep.”

      “And then we’ll TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”

     There was a good bit more to it than that, but I can’t remember the whole thing, it was 16 years ago, after all. It was, however, funny enough to have stuck with me over all those years. Our friend’s sense of humor was morbid and odd, but so entertaining.